Lemons.

Since March, everything has changed quite dramatically.

I was reviewing my thoughts from the last post and I find it sad how much I had been wishing for something unpredictable. Now that life feels so uncertain, I wish things had stayed the same...or at least normal.

April and May were the hardest months I have ever experienced. I know that pretty much the rest of the year is going to be difficult, too. Some weeks are probably going to be hell. I have really only been able to come to terms with everything recently and even still I have days of depression.

I've been considering what I would say on here for a while. But I hadn't been in the right frame of mind or had the time. There is so much I can't express. The last 8 weeks have been a whirlwind and there are too many details. So the below is a summary of what I've gone through.

I decided to get some generic testing done in April, expecting the results to come back normal and everything would be fine. I remember feeling happy after undergoing some of the testing because it was much less painful than I expected it to be. A week later though, my results came back with less than ideal results. This led to panic, uncertainty, and a number of anxiety-driven appointments in an attempt to 1) obtain second opinions and 2) get help fast.

I didn't get answers or the next step determined as quickly as I preferred. I had already planned a trip to visit family so I decided to try and see some doctors there. Unfortunately nothing really panned out in that time.

Being with my family though was a real blessing and distraction. I dreaded coming back to reality especially because I had scheduled doctor appointments every day of the week that I returned.

Each of my appointments had value in their own way, but none of them reached a satisfactory conclusion. By May I came back to California in the same spot I was initially in.

Finally progress was made by the last week of May. I got surgery scheduled and at the end of June, I have a follow up with a doctor for next steps. After many weeks of unhappiness, I am cautiously feeling hope. This experience has definitely taken away a lot of the innocence I previously had and I feel like I may live the rest of my life on edge, never really allowing myself to enjoy anything again. I hope this won't be the case but after facing uncertainty and the feeling of being heart broken, I don't want to allow myself the freedom of feeling optimistic.

I'm scared to have surgery. I wish I didn't have to undergo that, but it is necessary to move forward with my life. Once my surgery is performed, there are still some testing-like procedures I have to go through. Normally I would have dreaded that process, but because it is a milestone in getting out of hell, I'm actually looking forward to it. There is still a lot of uncertainty in everything though so I'm really scared something is going to go wrong or set me back.

I am preparing for that possibility, but I don't know if I can take it.

I know this is all vague. Someday I will probably be more open about what is going on. A part of me feels if I hold on to this secret, maybe I will get the outcome I am aiming for eventually.

There are a lot more emotions I've felt throughout these last couple of months. Most of my initial thoughts have evolved for the better. I'm still sad. I'm still scared. I still feel like a portion of my life was destroyed. But I hope that is only temporary.

In the meantime, here are some of the good times that have occurred since April:

It hasn't all been bad. Hoping for better days ahead.